| Nothing Ends |
[Dec. 13th, 2009|01:30 am] |
An oxymoron of sorts, There Is No Show ended tonight. The role of getting people to watch was more difficult than me getting a girlfriend and that's a serious statement. If it wasn't for Ma'am Benilda and Missy Maramara's recommendation to their classes, I think I'll only fit at least half of what we were able to actually gather. So for that, I thank them. Also, the task of promoting the play which was the burden carried by Jellie was done extremely well. People were coming in (thats what she said) like crazy, wanting to watch the best of the best. For that, I owe her my love, her favourite food (which is NOT the bottom part of a cooked rice or the brownish bitter ones) and my thanks.
And so we played our part on this one. I personally believe I could've done better in getting audiences, cutting Glorie some slack by making detailed marketing reports (which for me, jinxes the number of audiences) and being a good figure head. That's too late now, its over but I'm glad it is. And so, nothing ends.
Now it boils down to me being a good groupmate for my SOMBA friends, my LS125 co-workers and being a good student for my parents. But I believe I can do a mach 5 on this one. I think there's so much potential in the character of Mattheo Manlangit. True he's overweight, he's lazy, he spends a lot and he doesn't study but see here, those things can be remedied. What if February comes and Mattheo is in better shape, active, thrifty and smart in spending his cash and became a bright mind in both academic and world literature? There is so much I can do now, to be who I want to be, to be what I want to be (a spy... I kid). And so, the life of being nothing ends.
I'm not looking for one at all and that comforts me, makes me feel free in some ways. Jopie said it is a good thing and I feel it is. In some way, a certain 600 pound metal ball and chain attached to me got released. True that it might be the start of boring days, but things get boring to in the future, things will appear interesting.
I loved 1 girl in college and for that I thank her for making it colorful. I loved one girl in High School and for that I thank her for making it memorable. But we move on. Will never be forgotten I say but I'm going to get ready for the next one, who knows, 3rd time's the charm. (I don't know who the next one is, but hey, gotta be prepared).
Nothing ends. |
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| Not an Emo Entry |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|03:15 pm] |
I have to break our hate blog streak. (sorry president Ysab Yuzon and Vice President Rina Reinoso, our officers of the LJ-is-a-hate-blog).
I want to say that I feel free. I finally have that big burden destroyed and no its not having to have that talk or having to confess something.
I've finally (re)learned that ability to make my own happiness, to finally conquer the sad moments by my own. I do not have to pretend someone else just to please someone in order for me to feel happy.
Again, just like high school, I'm free. |
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| I believe in a thing called "moving on" |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|01:41 am] |
And thats why I avoid you as much as I can. You think I really hate you? You think that I dwell too much on your faults? Do you think that I do not have feelings for you anymore?
Crazy talk I say, for if I love a woman, I love her with my entire heart. What's not to love about you? You're the girl that everyone longs for and you brighten the day of anyone you come across. And believe it or not, you still brighten my day with your hellos and smiles. And good things go back to my mind when I see you. How on earth can people say the world is so cruel when you're in it?
But I believe in a thing called "moving on" and if that requires me to not experience joy and beauty for a very long time, then so be it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|07:41 pm] |
With Yani's Kenn's Ysab's Posts, I'm starting to think that LJ is a hate blog.
Which reminds me, I hate you lol, don't be offended, I'm just reminding myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|11:22 pm] |
It is in a man's nature to dream, maybe in the future we can find other things to talk about, or maybe we can talk about us for once, what we plan to do, what we are, or if there is something between us, or if I have a chance, or maybe if you have other prospects.
But I'm ok with this. If we're really that different, if my interest is not the same as yours, if you think I'm boring in a casual conversation or if I think that I try too hard to strike one
then if work is the only thing we talk about then by all means, let us talk about it. I'll volunteer in any job you give me, so long as we can talk about something, so long as I can be near you always. Because your presence comforts me in a very strange way, it makes the world a nice play to live in, you give it color and most of all, you give me a reason to get up in the morning from my cozy bed.
Maybe someday we'll talk about something else (hopefully not your other men). I look forward to it.
Anyway I need to wake up tomorrow morning. Be in my dreams as you are already in my heart.
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| Losing a friend to save yourself |
[Nov. 7th, 2009|12:19 am] |
How many times have we been consumed by hatred, anger? One may go into this void of pure anguish and sorrow, when one can only wish the destruction of the other. How many times have we felt that shallow feeling in the chest, the feebleness of our existence, the distraught story of a denied love? It always result to sadness then anger. We blame ourselves for not being enough. We blame ourselves too much that its too painful already. For us to save ourselves, we blame the other, for denying who we are, the happiness we are entitled to.
And then we do the unthinkable. We write words we don't mean, we do things we're not aware of, we live lives that we're not allowed to live. We hurt the other in our own sadistic way. We cope using this method. We destroy any memories of that person in our lives, we destroy all the feelings of desire and kindness and nurture the emotions that lead us to pandemonium. We become devils and demons in our world, where love does not exist. We hurt the other, we lose them and there is no back from scratch, we eliminate all possibility completely.
And we do that to save our own skins. We do that not to hurt ourselves or our souls. We fear for our own lives that we do everything to divert the destruction of our inner self. We blame, we point fingers, we lie.
And we lose them completely. No more second chances, no more being friends again. Are we aware of such consequences? The mistakes we have done are irreversible. Then we live, but there will always be a part of us that's gone. Our hearts are then scarred with the black taint of hate that will take a lifetime to clean.
Let me tell you this then, losing a friend will never be worth living your life an extra 100 years. Losing a friend is the same as losing yourself. And when the dust settles and you realize that there will now be a person you can't talk to, can't love, can't see, then you regret that you ever hated, that you ever wished ill of the other.
I regret what I have done, but I must live with the consequences now. History repeats itself, such a sad shame that it involved you.
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| When will I see you again? |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|10:45 pm] |
I think I have been lost these past few months, always jumping from one platform, interest or person to another. It bothers me to think that I will graduate in less than 5 months without even getting on the right track, experiencing the hidden joys and fixing the things I left untended.
Yes, that's you my angel, the one and only. I said things I shouldn't have said, wrote things that I shouldn't have even thought of and done things that you did not deserve. There, I admit it and for once I do not want to pass the blame on others or even you. Your heart was for yours to give, and if you didn't give it to me, then I didn't deserve it at all. I respect your wisdom and your judgement and now looking at the choices you made versus the ones I took, it is clear why things happened.
But I still dream about you in my sleep. Why, if asked what the perfect woman is, I always think about you? Why do I compare the ones I meet to you and always find them lacking that one thing I can't pinpoint. Your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world and that is without exaggeration. Your eyes indeed reflect the stars at night and even put the brightest one to shame. I always felt comfort whenever you're around and that is why I always tried to be beside you, even at the times that other people needed me. I am selfish, this is the reason, I wanted you all to myself.
To hell what Theology said, or what my friends or your friends said. I loved you and you know what? I still do. I still long for the day that things go back to the way it is. I still long for the day that another second chance presents itself. I long for the day that I can have the courage to say to you what I really feel.
Its going to be 4 years now since we talked. I met a lot of really charming women, but here I am still longing for you. Maybe the heart can only love once?
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| Epic Story |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|02:01 am] |
Whew now that I got that off my system, lets write something on a lighter note.
I ate at Chow King yesterday and with me were Andrei, Ia, Vannah, Sky and of course Jellie. Now I won't make this introduction long so I'll cut to the chase, I'm going to write about that girl, Jellie.
I believe our story, is a tragic one.
[Disclaimer, this is a sabaw entry, and this has no serious meaning whatsoever lol]
I believe that me and her will never ever be together. Not that we don't want to, I mean who knows? In the future things might go well, right? But I believe that even if I became the handsomest man on the face of the planet or like the richest man in the known history of mankind, I have this inkling feel that we're not supposed to be together. I have this strange yet familiar urge to get to know her more but at something, at the back of my mind, is telling me that we share a story, a tragic one, longer than the age of the world can tell.
I believe we had past lives, too many to count. I can recall though the recent life we had. She was probably a co-worker and we were scientists and by that time countless past lives have been experienced by both of us. Something tragic might have happened, I mean we were genetic scientists at that time (we were the silent yet smart types). The lab could've exploded, government troops maybe stormed inside and stole our files, killing her in the process. Either way something happened, tragic enough to make my past me question God and why we met at the first place.
Then the past scientist me ran into some articles concerning us. He later knew that we existed, in every major century, in every turn of event of the human race. Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, the list goes on. And yet, in those stories, obstacles came up, we probably shared a life but it ended in tragedy. My scientist past then realized the repeated history we are living, that we are actually God's play things, that in our life, we were destined to meet yet never be. That since the dawn of time, we were there but never ended happily ever after, that we were the constants in this world, that times may have changed, but our story remains the same. Its kind of like that graphic novel, "The Fountain" if you've read it.
And so with a heavy heart, and the wish to go against the fate we share, my scientist past me then did the unthinkable, he rewrote our genetic code. Imbuing our current gene with a new one, he added to our genetic build up one important thing, that in every rebirth of my existence, there will always be that warning, that feeling, that familiar feeling of affection and yet melancholy history.
That explains that Love At First Sight I experienced when I saw her. That feeling that I saw her somewhere but I just couldn't pinpoint as to where, when and how. Figures that I saw her in every chapter of this human history. That I got to know her but with a different name, a different time but the same person, the same personality, the same beauty.
Its an epic story really, a tragic one, that this story should continue even if my past scientist did everything in his power to stop it. Because he of all people should know, that its really my fate, to have tried and to fail again. Not as tragic as our past histories, but tragic nonetheless.
[Please remember the disclaimer, Thats why I should not write at this time of the day]
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| When the rage consumes |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|12:37 am] |
I don't like what's happening to me. I'm being consumed by burning rage, by jealousy, by sadness. I thought I have severed all the shackles you held me with.
What are you, to possess such things, such severe sadness, so much negativity and yet I know you don't even know about it. You bring out the worst in me, you make feel I am inadequate and so low.
Nothing in this world is beautiful anymore because you're everything beautiful about this world. And since I hate you now, I hate beauty, I hate everything goodness stand for. I hate it, I hate the things that make people feel good. I hate it, everything I hate.
Is hate such a big word? I don't think so, nothing in the world can describe how miserable I am because of the things you did, because of the things you continue doing.
I hate you. Don't talk to me. Don't even be on the same vicinity. I don't want to see you, not anymore.
GODDAMNIT! DISAPPEAR! I WILL DISAPPEAR THEN IF YOU'RE SO GODDAMN CLUELESS.
I will, forget that we know each other, forget that we even met.
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| For there will be no turning back. |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|12:58 am] |
Metamorphoses just ended yesterday afternoon and since the start of the school year, with my failed Florante't Aladin participation, this is the first time I actually had time for myself. It should really be good news because everyone longs for that ample time to devote to self growth. But when you are in my shoes and realize that you only have around 5 more months before you introduce yourself to the society, to the real world, then you'll probably understand why I feel nervous, pressured and anxious with this free (yet limited) time in my hands. What do I do with it? Who do I spend it with? How do I spend it? So many questions and so many desires. I wish I had felt this thirst for fulfilment earlier, then I would probably be the best that I can be right now. Sad to say, I view myself as just the ingredients for a soon-to-be baked cake (if I use Yani's metaphor on things). I am not near 1% of the person that I can be. There is so much I can do, so many skills I can hone, so many things I can learn, so many persons I can be and yet I'm still not near the starting line even.
And with Metamorphoses done, I plan to be the man I am fated to be. I plan to explore the other avenues I can excel on and the other worlds that I've isolated myself from. I plan to taste the pains and pleasures of the world I've tried so hard to avoid. I plan to meet the people I don't know, exterminate the weaknesses I have and exploit the strengths I possess.
I plan to seek vengeance on people who failed my trust. I will make them regret the choice they made. The person they ignored will be the person they will seek. I plan to find a solution for person that brings out the worst in me, to find an answer and to divert that negative energy back to the source. I plan to be free from the shackles of denied love and seek out light in a love that is true.
I plan to learn new recipes to cook, magic tricks to do, new songs to strum, more games to play. I plan to enter the mind of geniuses and view the world as they would. I plan to be an artist, a tactician, a writer, a cook, a techie, a good son and a great brother.
For that I need to maximize the remaining days left in my college calendar. I plan to be all of them before I receive my diploma, before I wear the toga, before I give my blue rose.
I will do all those plans but I need time.
And because I need time
I will disappear.
And mark my words, when I come back, you will realize that you've never known who I am, the things I can do, the things I know
and the power I wield.
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